my struggles with breast cancer

updates

2006-04-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted anything new for a while and thought that I should. My bone scan came back with more activity but not necessary a bad thing. I receive a bone enhancer once a month, called Zometa. It helps keeps my bones strong. The doctor asked if I was in a lot of pain and I told him no except for my back where my fracture was. It hurts when I do too much and also when I stand in one position for too long. I am still able to get around. I walked Greyslake twice around and then towards downtown about three miles. I thought I did pretty good. So, the doctor said my body might be healing itself. Thank the Lord for that. I finally got my disability and back pay as well. I feel blessed to have that. In the meantime, I try to keep busy doing what I can when I can. I keep busy with breast cancer meetings.

My Testimony

2006-02-14T14:41:00.000-06:00

2/3/2006
MY TESTIMONY
I wish to use my experiences with cancer to encourage others who have gone thru it and it is my testimony of my faith that got me thru all the madness of cancer that it gives.
Last year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was pretty shocked to say the least. At first, I was embarrassed by it and I didn't want to tell anybody. But, I eventually began to open up about it and I freely talk about it now. I never once was angry at God about it and I never asked, "Why Me?" For I am no better than anybody else, so why not me. Being young and having that youthful cockiness, I breezed thru my mastectomy like it was nothing. I know now that the Lord had His Hand on me and also so many people prayed for me, even from people I didn't know. I was told that I had to take chemo as a precaution. I was a stage 2 which isn't considered too serious. So, I went thru six grueling months of chemo. My first four I got so sick and my last four I experienced a lot of bone pain like I was being squeezed to death. During the first four chemos, I would get so sick for about three days straight. There just wasn't any let up. I remembered that I cried, yelled, cussed, repented and prayed. God in His own way was dealing with me. I believe He was getting me to depend on Him because I needed to do that. I had a hard time remembering anything because of having chemo brain but a Scripture came to my mind and I repeated it continuously when I was getting sick, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". That is all I could remember at the time and it helped. With my fourth chemo, it was also my last of the first four that I took, I was listening to an old gospel song. It was by an old gospel group, The Soul Stirrers, and I played it all day while I was getting sick. The song was called, "The Last Mile of The Way". It goes, "When I've gone the last mile of the way, I shall rest at the closing of the day. For I know there are joy that awaits me when I've gone the last mile of the way". That song and Scripture got me thru chemo. I did get bitter about chemo though but it didn't last long. One thing, I can't understand is someone going thru cancer and chemo and not believing in God. I know one thing for sure when you are in the bathroom puking your guts out, you're gonna call out to somebody I guarantee it. I know I did. You then realize how fragile you really are.
When I finished with chemo, I went back to work. I had that youthful cockiness again. Nothing was gonna stop me from walking "The Race For The Cure". I walked three miles and then went to work for four hours. I worked like that for about a month and half after my last chemo when I experienced back pain like I never had before. I have a high pain tolerance but this was too much for me so I knew it was serious. I went back to the doctor to not only to find that I had a compressed fracture in my spine but I had a recurrence. I was told I was at a stage 4 now which is considered terminal. My husband and I went home crying. I honestly thought I had it licked the first time. I was just so discouraged over this. I was at a loss. I cried and prayed, "Lord, whatever Your will." I did not ask to be healed because ultimately it was up to God.
One day, I was listening to some songs by Mahalia Jackson and heard a song I have never heard before. I am a big fan of hers but I never heard this song before. It was called"That's Alright". It went something like this,"That's alright, it's alright, as long as I know I got a seat in Your Kingdom Lord, it's alright". I just cried all the way thru it because I honestly didn't feel like it was gonna be alright. I mean, how could it be? I had a recurrence and I was terminal. How could that be alright. For several days I continued to cry. I didn't realize that with those tears brought healing. My mind, my emotions and my soul was being healed and I didn't even realize it.
In the meantime, I went thru radiation. I had 22 sessions in all. I always tried to be cheerful but one day I was waiting for my turn to get zapped and that same song, "That's Alright", was running thru my head. There I was, just a humming away and getting happy. It didn't matter to me that I was getting zapped with radiation because everything was gonna be alright. In the Bible it says, "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it". It said to be glad in it. It didn't say I had to be glad about it but to be glad in it. So even though I wasn't happy about going thru radiation I was happy in it.
Also, during that time I had a revelation. I woke up from a nap and the first thing that ran thru my mind was what Jesus said about taking up your cross and following Him. I just said,"Yes, Lord, I'll do that". But I couldn't help but to see my cross looking like a big letter "C". For cancer. But that is the cross I got to carry and that is the cross I got to bear.
I ended up having to quit my job because of my back and my recurrence. I had to swallow my pride and depend on the government for help. Cancer striped about everything from me-my pride, my dignity, my job and my health. But there is a Scripture that says," Humble Thyself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up". I have never been more humble in my life than I am right now. One day God's gonna lift me up. It may not be right now while I am on this Earth but one day He's gonna lift me up. I just have to be patient. God can deliver us in any circumstance we have, even while our body is failing us. I am a witness to that.
For several years, I strayed from the Lord and said and done somethings that I should not have and since repented. I just was wondering around lost all the time. There was a reason for me having cancer I don't regret having it because it got me back to God. God loved me enough that He didn't want me to miss out on my eternal rewards. I do remember a time when I was too afraid to go to sleep at night because I didn't think I would wake up the next morning. When you are given a life sentence it is hard not feeling that way. But now when I do wake up, I just figured He woke me up for a reason and it's not my time to go home yet. My reason is to do His will in my life for however long I've got. Sometimes in life you have to realize that all you have left is faith in God. Because cancer shows no mercy but God does. That is why I can smile and that is what keeps me going.

Some funny happenings

2006-02-14T14:27:00.000-06:00

When I lost my hair, I insisted on wearing durags. I liked them best. I went with my husband to Pella to see the tulip festival. There were tents along the way and one of them had carved out wooded signs. I couldn't believe it but one of them said," Somebody stole my hair". LOL! Can you believe that! I about took it home with me. I just died laughing. To think that would come up....

Toward my 4th chemo, I had it postponed because my blood count was too low. A member of my breast cancer support group brought over somethings. One of them was a shirt scrub that had blood cells on them. On the pocket it said,"ask me about your blood count".....

When my hair started to grow back I started getting emails about hair restoration. I still don't know where that came from.........

2006-02-14T14:18:00.000-06:00

What I look like now.....

RACE FOR THE CURE

2006-02-14T14:07:00.000-06:00

2006-01-27T14:10:00.000-06:00

After radiation I had a second bone scan done. The first one I had done showed that I had cancer in my spine and pelvis. This last one showed that I had some bone activity and they found some spots on my ribs. Still waiting on the Arimidex to kick in. I will have another bone scan at the end of the month to see how the pills have kicked in.

2006-01-27T13:27:00.000-06:00

About a month and half after my last chemo, I had a lot of pain in back. It was very painful so I went and took some pain killers and muscle relaxers. I finally discovered that I had a recurrence. The cancer had came back. It had weakened my spine and I had a compressed fracture because of it. I ended up having to quit my job and now waiting on disability to help me. I had my sister-in-law come and help me out and then I eventually had my breast cancer support group to help me out. I started receiving radiation a few days before Thanksgiving. I received 22 sessions in all and finished those treatments before Christmas. I had very little side effects; I did get a little sick to my stomach but not bad but I had a hard time swallowing for a while as it made my esophagus swell up. I went from a stage 2 to a stage 4. I was told that stage 4 was considered terminal.

2005-09-26T19:55:00.000-05:00

stopped wearing durags and unashamed.....

2005-09-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

receiving chemo.....

2005-09-26T19:43:00.000-05:00

When I went bald.....

started to wear a durag

2005-09-26T19:21:00.000-05:00

9/25/2005
I guess my story isn't much different from anybody else on breast cancer or going thru chemo, but after some encouragement from some friends and after talking with and sharing with a person who was going thru chemo, hopefully, helping them along, I decided to write about my experience. It was something that at first I didn't want to talk about, let alone write about, I just wanted to get thru it. So I understand that some people don't want to talk about it or think about it but to be truthful at one time or another that person will want to because it is a life changing experience.
The whole year had really been messed up. Late last year, I had found a lump about the size of an egg. At first, I thought it was a cysts and ignored it. But it got to be more and more painful as it was higher up my chest and left me winded all the time. At first, I didn't want to tell anybody because I was embarrassed about it. I was 33 years old and this wasn't suppose to happen to someone my age. I finally decided to tell someone and went and got a mammogram. They confirmed the size of the lump. You could clearly see it on the ex-ray, couldn't miss that for nothing. The doctor told me that they needed me to have an biopsy to see if it was malignant or not. I thought that it might be a fiber lump or benign. That big needle scared me to death--looked like a cattle prod. But it didn't hurt as much as the smaller needle. The results came back negative, but I needed to get that lump out regardless because it was pressing on my chest. So, I had my first surgery ever and I was scared. They knocked me completely out, I wanted to stay awake and see the lump being taken out. I know that is morbid but it was a part of me and I wanted to see it. I don't remember a thing. So, I guess I didn't do a good job with that. They took the lump to Iowa City to have it analyzed. I waited for a whole week for the results. It seem liked forever. I just can't get over how long they make you wait for something like this. It was a life changing experience and I had to wait a week! It was crazy. I tried not to think about it but it was no good. But it came back positive. I had stage 2 breast cancer. I was shocked, I didn't know what to do. I never asked why me or anything, just what I am going to do now. So I went thru 6 months of grueling months of chemo. The first four I got very sick and the last four I had bone pain but I got thru it. When I was finished, I thought I had it licked just to find that I had a recurrence. I had bone pain in my back. The cancer had weaken my back. I was now a stage 4. I went thru 22 sessions of radiation. The doctors now have me on Arimidex. Which is a hormone pill. They are trying to get me thru menopause. They say that breast cancer is mostly estrogen related. So here now at 34 years old, I am having hot and cold flashes so it is kind of strange to go thru that. They tell me it will slow down the cancer spreading or have it be dormant. I am hopeful that things will work out.

2005-09-26T19:02:00.000-05:00

When I got my military haircut........ When it started to fall out a couple days later......

2005-08-26T16:22:00.000-05:00

MY CALENDAR

JANUARY 14, 2005: I had the lump removed, previously had mamogram and biopsy done. The biopsy was negative. The lump was the size of an egg or walnut in my left breast. The lump tested malignant.

FEBRUARY 2, 2005: I had a modified radical mastectomy done and put in a Jackson Pratt tube. Week later removed my JP tube.

MARCH 15, 2005: I started my first chemo treatment. It lasted about an hour. I got sicker than a dog for three days, it took two days to get on my feet. My blood count was low. I went an got a military hair cut and within days I lost most of it.

1st-4th chemo treatment I had Adriamycin & Cytoxan.

APRIL 5, 2005: I started 2nd chemo was not as bad as first but still got sick. I must get my blood count up before the next one.

APRIL 26, 2005: I had my 3rd chemo, once again I got real sick. Jello wouldn't stay down.

MAY 9, 2005: I talked about putting in a port my veins wouldn't handle the IV's anymore.

MAY 17, 2005: Had the port put in and the surgery went well. I had to cancel my chemo because my blood count was too low.

MAY 24, 2005: I had my fourth chemo and got really sick for about 4 days, I didn't bounce back as fast as usually. I am now unable to work. My next four chemos will be new ones.

5th-8th chemo treatment I had was Taxotere.

JUNE 14, 2005: Talked about new treatment.

JUNE 15, 2005: I started to take steroids because of bone marrow and help prevent fluid retention.

JUNE 16, 2005: I had my 5th chemo it was a different treatment. I didn't get as sick as the my first four. I got bloated and bound up, with aches and pains. It went fairly smoothly hoping my next three will go as smooth.

JULY 5, 2005: My 6th chemo was pretty mild. Mild bloating. Felt a lot of aches and pains though. I didn't get sick though. I began to lose my eyebrows.

JULY 22, 2005: I started to develop swelling in my arm and hand, suspecting Lymphodema.

JULY 26, 2005: My 7th chemo was mild.

AUGUST 16, 2005: My 8th and last chemo. I am so glad. So far nothing too major as far as side effects. The usual bloating aches and pains that is it. Will be able to start work soon. They want to do more blood test before I can take out my port. Also wanting me to take tamoxifen for the next five years. Still worried about swelling in my hand and arm. Will start therapy for that.

Something I wrote:

2005-04-29T08:56:00.000-05:00

Chemo Blues

I got dem chemo blues,
gettin' sick in front of the stool all day long,
yea, I got dem chemo blues.
getting stuck with stuff that I don't know the name of.
yea, I got dem chemo blues.
losing my hair everywhere I go.
yea, I got dem chemo blues.
too darn weak to go outside.
yea, I got dem chemo blues.
and just gettin' sick in front of the stool all day long.